I Don’t Deserve This
But You Do But You Just Don’t Realise it!
Great question from a listener got me really thinking (and It hurt a little)
I’m so used to “I’m Not Good Enough” and so many feel that way but this was and is a subtle difference don’t you think?
So I wanted to discover the positive intention behind this limiting belief and I think I got it, well one of them. You’ll have to let me know if you think there are others.
Not only do we dive deep into this but I’ll share with you ways to change this belief and to realize you got it all because of you and the real you that you’re missing.
Please come with me, I really think you will enjoy what you find and when you do please share
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Warning – There are no paragraphs, it’s a straight transcript so it will annoy the connoisseurs of English prose :O)
Overcoming “I Don’t Deserve It
Paul Clough returns with a longer podcast to help you improve your life
Speaker A: Hey, the heads up to this longer podcast is a request from a listener. And instead of, that so common belief, I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy. I was asked, what about this belief I have, Paul? I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve it. And so we’ve gone into it in the context of relationships, jobs, social gatherings, anything, and I’ve given you the how. A, process to first of all, to understand it, reframe it, and then a how to change it. I know it’s important,
Hey, it’s good to have you back. I’m pleased to be back. Pleased to be back in your ears, in your mind.
A listener’s request sent me an email with a question about unconscious beliefs
Speaker A: And today, this podcast, this long, I don’t want to say it like that, this longer podcast, it’s all come from one of you. A listener. A listener’s request sent me an email with a question. And the question really got me thinking because I hadn’t really thought about it before. And they said, I’ll bugger it up, but this is the gist of it. You talk of the beliefs of I’m not worthy, and I’m not good enough. And everything you’ve said makes sense, which is, that was nice to hear, wasn’t it? And I said, but even though I get that, I still believe I don’t deserve this. It, and it was in the context of a relationship, but I get you could have this for anything, couldn’t you? And I hadn’t really thought about it, because I don’t normally get I don’t deserve this. I normally get I’m not good enough, and then something below that, but I don’t deserve. I say that again, I don’t deserve this. You see, when you’ve got the belief of I’m not good enough, you get that intention, that positive intention from your unconscious mind to make sure that you are good enough. So you have to be perfect. You have to do everything super solidly right, or I’ll protect you from not being good enough. So I’ll make you shy away, because I’ll make you believe that you’re not good enough. So that belief I’m not being good enough will either make you shy away and not do something, or try to be perfect. And the whole point of that is, there’s a massive conflict, isn’t there? We talked about it before. There’s a direct conflict. Because when you’re not doing the stuff because you fear you’re not good enough, what do you feel? I don’t feel good enough. And when you’re trying to be perfect and you know in your heart that you’ll never be perfect, then it’s just reinforcing that you’re not good enough, all with a wonderful intention to protect you from that. So there’s a direct conflict. So I had to think, what is this direct conflict? What can I find the direct conflict in? Or where can I find, what is it? I don’t deserve this. And, I know that every behavior has a positive intention. That’s an NLP presupposition. It’s just a useful assumption to make, but I believe it. Every behavior has a positive intention. So what could be the positive intention of believing this? Feeling it. And I thought, I really thought hard. And maybe, and, I’d love your feedback on this. If I get it right and it resonates with you or it doesn’t resonate with you, and you go, oh, Cloughie. No, this is what it is, because I’d love to hear that. Because then we can double it and whatever, not double the feeling, but do another episode around that as well. So we get it right? Because I’m sure there’s more than one. But this was my thoughts, and I think you have the belief of the feeling I don’t deserve it. And that’s really to make sure, like, the positive intention is to make sure you hang on to it, because this is good. This is something good. Whether it’s a relationship, this is a good relationship. This person is good for me. Whether it’s a job, a career, maybe even whatever it could be, a hobby, something you really enjoy doing, but to make sure you don’t lose it because it’s so good. But the thing is, you’ve already got it. And, I think I’m getting close to the conflict, the direct conflict, because if you’ve already got it, then why would you? What caused you to get it? What attracted that person? Maybe that job, that opening, that career, that social group, what attracted you to them? And what did they find attractive in you? I don’t know. But you’ve got someone you love. Yay. You got them. Not got them, got them. But you found someone you love, you found someone that loves you. You found a job that you love, and the job really loves you. You found a dream that you really love to have or friendships, but just to make sure you don’t lose it, make sure you don’t lose it. You’ve got to keep a tight grip on that. I’m going to give you, because I’m your best friend now, your unconscious mind, I’m going to give you that belief, I don’t deserve this. So I think that’ll just make you try hard to keep it. And if you’ve got that type of belief, you better do everything you can to hold on to it. And the thing is, in a relationship, like, it could well be, and I’ve seen it before. It doesn’t matter, if it’s a relationship and you’ve been with that person you love for a long time, you love them, they love you. You’ve got children, and those children love you. And you have that belief. Though I don’t deserve this because he’s so bloody good. I got to hold on to this. It’s going to make your unconscious mind says, let’s focus our attention on keeping it. Now, how can we do that? How can we do that in a sort of positive? It is positive, it has a positive intention. But I’m going to give you massive doubt about yourself, so much doubt that you have to step up a bit like being perfect with I’m not good enough. You have to step up to the plate. You have to be better than you really are. every second of the day, they have to see you being your best all the bloody time. Because if they don’t see you at your best, maybe you’ll lose them. Bit like being in a job. You have got to be 100% on it. And it’s m impossible to do that, by the way. Everyone knows that. But if you doubt yourself, then you get the next one, which is like anxiety. You get fear. I mean, if you’re in a group of people as well, you start doubting yourself. Bloody impostor syndrome comes in. You get anxiety, fear, and you think about it. Then instead of just trying to step up, you then think about losing. Losing that relationship, losing that job, losing that place in that social connection or whatever it is. And you think, and you think, and you see all those horrible movies in your mind of that disappearing, all with a positive intention to say, hang on to this with dear life, with your dear life. Hang on to everything. Wonderful intentions. But doubt, anxiety, fear, and anything else you can bloody throw at.
When you’ve got a job, your unconscious mind gives you doubt and anxiety
Speaker A: It doesn’t work. When you’ve got a job and you’ve got doubt, anxiety, and fear and you think you’re an imposter and all that stuff. Wonderful positive intentions to make sure that you’re in that circle, you’re good with your friends, your hobies and skills, you name it, throw it, fill in the blank of anything. And whilst those wonderful positive intention. Positive intentions are behind those behaviors, those behaviors, are no longer. Try not to, but they’re no longer appropriate. They may have done, and I’m sure they did work once. Once when you were tiny, tiny little speck down there, the little younger you, way, way back in the past, something happened, and your unconscious mind says, whoa, this is brilliant. Let’s hang on to it. And they gave you that little bit of doubt, that little bit of. Little bit of just not anxiety, but just concern. Not real fear, but just a little bit, ooh, maybe a little bit doubt, ooh, all that stuff. And it worked. And then what’s it do? It just keeps ramping it up more and more, because as you grow, there are bigger things. If you think of things like a relationship, it means the world to you. We’re born in some ways. The human being searches for connections. Some people love being by themselves, but they also have connections in other ways with other people. But this thing, we love being part of a tribe. We like finding our tribe. And you see there’s that direct conflict. Now, I think we might have found it a little bit. The direct conflict. It’s doing exactly the opposite, now, because it’s pushing those people away, pushing that thing away from you because of your behaviors. Your behavior is that when you really believe, I don’t deserve it, I got to hang on to this with dear life. I’ve got to be so good about everything. And, Oh, No, it’s never going to work. I’m so anxious. I’m so fearful about this. Got all this doubt. Bloody hell. It’s completely the opposite, isn’t it? Because it just doesn’t work. Doesn’t work. And what does it end up? You end up getting things like jealousy comes in, you’re bloody needy. You’re trying too hard. You’re distracted all the time, thinking about this bloody stuff in your head, and you’re not concentrating and being connected with what’s right in front of you. That relationship, that job, that social connection, whatever it is, it’s right there for you. You’ve got it anyway. But with that wonderful, positive intention to not to let it go. Now, isn’t that a wonderful intention, though? Something you love, somebody you love and you want to keep that love, that’s a lovely intention, but not with those behaviors anymore. So what we need to do is keep that intention. Because when you say to your unconscious mind, thank you. And you’re going to go, what? Cloughie. Thank you. Bloody thank you for causing me all this grief, this anxiety, this fear, this doubt and all that stuff. Yeah, bloody thank you. Because your unconscious mind has been trying its bloody best more, and more every day to protect you and keep what you’ve got. The good things. The only thing is using wrong and outdated behaviors, inappropriate behaviors. So all we have to do the simple things. And what is simplicity? Simplicity there is genius. I won’t put a clip in.
Cloughie: Sometimes you need a wonderful therapist for bad behavior
Speaker A: Well, I might in a minute. But you see, we just simply say I want to keep the behavior. No, you don’t, Cloughie. I want to keep the positive intention and just change the behavior. Now, sometimes if it is really bad, you might need to go and seek out a wonderful therapist. You know, I always say, find someone who’s a master hypnotist because they’ll really get there. You need somebody also, not just a master hypnotist. I would prefer someone who’s a master practitioner of NLP. Attached to that. A master practitioner of timeline therapy. You get that? Triaism. What is it? I don’t know. The three of them anyway. Together you have got, ah, a wonderful, you’ve got a person with a wonderful set of skills, and they’ll look to get your unconscious mind to learn from the past, because when it has the learnings, it doesn’t need the emotion. And then with that, it will be able to find all the resources inside you to be the real you. So you can do that. You can do that. And, you know, in my back catalog, I’ve got, I think, I don’t know if it’s a longer podcast or an FMQ, which is something like what to expect from a therapist, something like that. I’m sure you’ll find it if you search it. But if you say to yourself, yeah, I really need a therapist for this, that’s cool. And I applaud you for doing that because it will do things really quickly. But also, even if you do what I’m going to suggest next as well, it will only help the speed of that work you do with a therapist. But if you’re coming to this thing and say, well, it actually is not as big as that, it’s not ruining my life, but it’s something I need to deal with, how can I do it? And I want to tell you, because I don’t like leaving people hanging. Not something you have to pay for. This is me and you sharing things. And I see flipping this thing. What does that mean? It’s a technical term that. I got no idea what it means, but I want to turn it on its head in some ways. Because, you see, if it’s a relationship, that person saw something in you because they love you. If it’s a job, those people saw you as having skills that they wanted. They wanted the skills. Now, those skills could be the way you do the work or the way you conduct yourself. You communicate, but you have those skills. They want that. If it’s a social group, they just bloody like you because you’re you. Anything like that. If it’s a, and this is just a weird one, if it’s a hobby you’re doing, the hobby loves you too. It chose you to excite you. But let’s just work on something. Say it was something like a relationship. I would do this. I’d get a paper, piece of paper and a pen or a pencil or any bloody thing to write with, to be honest. And it could be a book. Could be what? As big as you can. If it’s a four, open it up so you got a three. Always works that way. Big circle in the middle.
Find out what qualities you bring to a relationship and write them down
Speaker A: My qualities now. My qualities I’m sure I created this. Now, I could be wrong, but I remember, sort of. Yeah, I do remember. I had an hour in need, a minute in need when I was desperate, desperate because I was in a place so black, desperate to try to find something that I could hold on to because I thought I was going a little bit mad. I was, like, going a little bit out of my mind in certain cases. But anyway, I just wrote, I got in my lovely, quiet place, you know, my quiet place to talk about. And I got in my quiet place, and I just thought, I just swore then, because I went back to it and I wrote, I got to do something. What are my qualities? And I wrote down in the middle of that, my qualities, and I started to think, what are, my qualities? And I didn’t have any. The way I felt, I didn’t have any. And the only one I could think of. Well, Lisa, you can think a little bit Cloughie and you can breathe. They’re the only two qualities I could think I have. Think I had. And I wrote that down. Least you can bloody breathe. And look, you’re writing, hey, you’re thinking. And then it started to flow from there. I began to think of all the things about me. It wasn’t ego driven, not the things I’m so bloody good at and better than anybody else. No. What do I do? What can I do? What is good? So you can now look at this. If it’s a relationship, I’m not ego driven. Just be honest with yourself. What qualities do I bring to a relationship? Me. And start writing them down. I know somebody in one of our courses, my son’s, Joseph’s course, mind mastery. Someone did this and they found a hundred reasons, or not reasons, a hundred qualities, why they are what they bring to a relationship and what people could enjoy in a relationship with them. And that was awesome. You don’t have to have 100, but you can just write the qualities. I can smile, I can make people feel comfortable, I can hold a conversation, I can be witty, I can tell a joke. I got a dirty laugh where that came from. You could have those type of things. I’m caring, I’m loving. I, like to cuddle and I’m a good cuddler. I’ll support people. I can bring support. And you go on and on and fill up that bloody page, because you can. Because once you start getting the first couple, they will flow from your unconscious mind. Because just ask your unconscious mind, what qualities do I have that I bring to relationships? And you can do the same for a job. What qualities do I have? And they can be skills as well. Remember things you’ve learned, but also the qualities of you as the real you. What qualities do you bring to that career, that job? And when you look at that, I’ll tell you what. Impostor syndrome. I nearly said it. Swore again off. Because you’ll realize you have so much to bring. And they’re in abundance, by the way. Do you know there’s a bugger about abundance? And, I do this with my clients. See, if you’ve got abundance and you take a bit off it, guess what the bloody thing does. It grows so no one can take away your love. Because once you give a bit, you give it. They don’t take it. You give a bit of your love. Guess what? Your love grows again inside you. It just doubles. So you give a bit more, and you have to keep giving it, give it to give, give. And when you do, you get more, more, more and more. And, everything you do and everything you bring to the table. Everything you bring. I call it a table. Bring to the relationship, bring to the career, bring to the job, bring to your social. Whatever it is we’re talking about, you fill up that bloody page and you’ll be amazed. And here’s the bloody kicker about this. When you start thinking and you start writing, whoops, bang the microphone, when you start writing those things down and you read them and you think about them, guess what? You feel them. You feel each one, and they grow inside you. While you’re writing this down, you go, oh, I can do that. Oh, that feels so good. And then I can add this to it. You are bringing a wonderful feeling in you before you even meet that bloody person again. And you’re, like, piecing together the wonderful bits of you all at once, and it feels so bloody good. And when you do that, guess what your unconscious mind does? It says, whoo, that’s the better place to be if I’ve got this. There is no way that I don’t deserve a relationship. There’s no way that I don’t deserve love. I choose who gets to love me. And that’s not in an ego way. It’s I choose who gets to love me because I get to love them. And they’ll be so Dennis War. So lucky that you chose them. Yeah. Ah, so it’s not ego driven. Just be honest, but don’t be an adult. I get so close, and I.
Cloughie: You can use hypnosis to improve your relationships
Speaker A: Each time, don’t be an adult. An adult just goes, oh, little bit, little bit. Little bit. No, go over. Go over the top and really go into you to all the skills and things and the emotions that you bring to things. Emotions into a job. Skills into a job. Cast your mind back over the past of all the wonderful. See if you go in relationship or anything. I guess sometimes when I work with people on relationships, I, get them to think about not individual relationships, but imagine putting them all together and say, well, what did you enjoy? Or what do you enjoy in relationships? Because you’ll have in each relationship a bit of everything. So you can say, well, I remember a long time, I love that. And then, oh, that was a different relationship, but I love that too. Now, if you love that, that’s a skill inside you because you created it as well. Because you’ve loved it, you probably reciprocated it. And if you reciprocated it, you can do it because it’s inside you. And if you really want to play with this even really more, you can do it with hypnosis. Can you, Cloughie? Yes, you can. How do I do that? You sign up to my hypnosis class. Not a hypnosis class at all. Shut up, Cloughie. You enroll. You sign up to the free hypnosis tracks, paulcluffonline.com podcast, sign up. And, when you go to that website or that web page where all the hypnosis tracks are for you, they’re downloadable as well, so you can keep them forever. You look for Hashtag 78.1. Make a note now. 78.1. Now, if you want, you can have a listen to the longer podcast, Hashtag 78. But if not, I’ve told you enough about it. Now just dive in, do it. Listen to that hypnosis track and play and have fun and it will change. And all you’ve then got to start thinking about is, okay, let me give these qualities. If I share these qualities, no one’s leaving. And if they do, they’d be a fool. And I don’t share all these with fools. But that person’s not a fool, are they? Because they’ve been with you, they love you. You’re the one who can’t see it. And now you can, and you can concentrate and you can use that hypnosis track, but you can also use that my qualities page to remind yourself. So maybe sit down on a Sunday when no one’s around and get you glass of wine, maybe cup of tea, glass of water, little G and T, and just for five minutes as you chill with your best friend. That’s him. That’s, her. Your unconscious mind. Just go and feel those emotions again. Feel those qualities. Wow. It’ll be awesome. Now, if you really want to do something different, I, do that one. But if you want to do something different, you could always have, like, a chat with them, but not in real life. How do you do that? Cloughie? Well, you go to another perspective. It’s as if you talk to them in your head, and then you go and put yourself in their position, look through their eyes back at you and learn. Because sometimes when you’re trying to do m too much and you put yourself in their position and you’re going like, can you give me some feedback? What is happening? And they’ll just come back and go, stop pushing. Stop trying to do so much. Just be yourself. I love the way. Love you the way you are. I had a guy, long time ago, really successful guy, and he was having a few problems in the downstairs, and we’re doing all the bits and pieces, and we did this with his partner, and I got him to sit in a chair and imagine her sitting in the other chair. And he told her, all the things that he was having problems with and asked for advice. And then he went along because he. And he didn’t think it was going to work, just as I didn’t the very first time I ever did it for myself. I got him to stand up, come along, sit in the other chair in the room, and I could see in his face, he’s going, what are you, did I pay paying for this? I’m paying for this. And he sat down, and guess what? His whole physiology changed. And I just said, you know, and I can’t remember his name, and I’m not going to say his name anyway. I just said, so and so said this to you, blah, blah, blah, blah. What is, what are you thinking? What do you reply? And as her, he just looked back in the empty chair that he was in and said, why are you stressing? Because I just love you for who you are. And that’s it. Just bring me the love that I love, I give to you. That’s all you have to do. You’re not impressing me. You’re not trying to do anything at all. Just give me that love. Nothing else. Nada. And he came back, sat in the chair, and, there was tears in his eyes because he’d been trying so bloody hard. And obviously, when you try so hard, your mind’s going all over the place with that doubt, with that anxiety, with that fear downstairs wasn’t working. I didn’t see him again after that. Just got a good smiley face email. Oh, sorry. Oh, dear.
Cloughie suggests using hypnosis to help you solve a problem
Speaker A: So you could do that. And if you wanted to know how to do that, I’ve got a podcast episode that I did way, way back, right at the beginning, so the recordings won’t be too good. But it’s hashtag Five. And if you have signed up for the Hypnosis tracks, there’s also hypnosis track on it called Hashtag 5.1. I think it’s good to actually have a listen to the podcast episode for that one. So you really get into, how I’m going to lead you through that, when you just understand that and you get the feedback, and you could do it in real life, obviously, but sometimes things get in the way, and you do it this way, you just glean some insights, and the insights are, well, they come from you anyway. And I’m sure I’m going to do more on this. By the way, if it’s just sparked your interest a little bit, thinking, oH, maybe not quite what I have, then we’ll do some more, but you need to let me know. I’d love to know, as I said right at the very beginning, if this is something like that you’re experiencing, but the things I’ve said and the feelings you get are different, please let me know. Because here’s the thing. let’s just go as, like, a recap through the notes I made about this episode, moment of you, when I’d seen all of this, I’d made a few notes thinking about it, and I just looked like I looked down on the whole episode that hasn’t been recorded. I go, yeah, you get what you imagine. So imagine what you want. And that’s an old thing, isn’t know. You get what you think about most of the time, or you get what you think about most of the time, is what you get, whether you like it or not. Well done, Cloughie. You stumbled back to that one, and that’s the same as imagination, isn’t it? So if you’re making those pictures of your mind, of seeing people losing and things like that, be warned, it can happen. But if you took time out to imagine using those qualities, just flooding those qualities out into the multiverse universe, the universe would take those emotions and go, do you know what? Have some of this wonderful stuff. I think I was trying to think was, what did I want to tell you in all of this? And I think I’ve gone through all the bits and pieces and details and the hows and the things like that. But one of the things is very simply because it is, as I said, it’s simple. Simple. It’s easy. But it does take effort. By the way, we’ve talked about that on a five minute quickie. But there’s always a way, always a way. There’s always a process, there’s always a reframe, there’s always a bit of hypnosis or something. So there’s always a way. And if there isn’t one straight off, we’ll find one, because there is always a bloody way. So if there’s something that you don’t think I’m getting and I’m not sharing it in a way that is really approaching your problem in the right way for you, let me know. Feedback at personal developmentunplugged.com See us, that’s all I need. And we’ll find a way. Or if you tell me, yeah, hell Cloughie, that really worked. Let me tell other people too, obviously anonymous, but I just tell people, hey, I’ve got this feedback so much. This is what’s happened. And what did I want you to feel in this? And I don’t know whether I have, but if this did resonate with you and it was a problem, see, past tense. It was a problem because you can now solve it. You could say to yourself, that’s why it’s all happening, isn’t it? I understand that now. Okay, let’s go do it. Let’s go do those qualities. Let’s go and flood the world with all the best of me. And why was all this important? Well, the only thing I could come up with that, why was it important? And this is to you and me. And it was, well, you can change now and so can I. Just like that. Because when the change happens, that epiphany, that Aha. Moment, it can happen in a moment. Or it could be gradual. All you have to do is the work. So it’s not hard, it’s simple, it’s easy, you just have to do it. It’s not complicated. Can be. Takes effort. Sometimes it takes effort. That bloody, my, qualities thing, that doesn’t take effort. You just have to do it. I hope in this it wasn’t a ramble, but it’s a sort of ramble because I rambled off my, off the path I thought I was going. I hope I made as complete a sense as I tried to. And if I didn’t, as I said, please do come back. Email me, let me know, let me get it even more, right. Even more better. I love that term. More better. And if you know of somebody who is suffering from things, like, you might not know that it’s that belief that I don’t deserve that. But if you see them doubting themselves, being needy, jealous, having anxiety, fear, and maybe in their conversation they even say, I really don’t deserve this. Because sometimes those beliefs are just in their conversation. Please share it with them. Give them. I know this guy, Cluffy. Great guy. He is a great guy. And share the episode. And let’s get on if you just share the episode anyway. So let’s make this so good for everybody. And guess what? Have a look at that listening device that you’re listening on right now. Is it your phone? Is it a computer? Is it whatever it is, just look up there. There’s a subscribe button. Quickly click it, pop it, hit it with your finger. and all this wonderful information. And better than that, me will, be in your ear whenever you want it to be. Me to be. Rather not it be.
Okay, it’s time, dear. It’s time to fly. Be brave, my friend
Speaker A: Okay, it’s time, dear. I don’t know where I went all with that. I hope you enjoyed it, though. And, thank you so much for your time. It’s so much appreciated. Have more fun than you can stand. Bye bye now.