#376 Dealing With Anger PART 1

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Dealing With Anger PART 1

Another episode based on a listener’s email telling of their battle with anger and how the effects were ruining every part of their life. And I know this is not an isolated issue having worked with clients with debilitating anger.

It affects most of us to some degree or other and it is not, I beleive, acceptable in any way and yes I too have and do work on this.

I have split this between two episodes, so they are just the right size to get it and the work on it. Even if you say to yourself Well I’m not an angry person – you don’t have to be angry all the time to work on it – deal with the snowball before it grows bigger as it slowly rolls down the hill – nip it in the bud.

The stories I share are of real people and how quickly they were able to let go of their anger and the effects when they did.

And you won’t have to wait long for the second episode as I’ve swapped it with the next FMQ.

It’s so important to learn about the negative emotions in our lives and how we can deal with them quickly and comfortably so please share this episode – you will never know how far the effect of doing so will travel.


Shine brightly


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And the transcript WARNING if you’re a lover of the written word this may make you frustrated, or angry – you have been warned – is it an ‘ism

Hey, your heads up. Heads up to the longer podcast. It’s another listener question, and it’s about dealing with anger, excessive anger, anger that is really destroying a person’s life and the people in their life. We’re going to go through that. I’m going to give you some stories, true stories, of what can be achieved easily, and effortlessly, and also a process that you can use. So get a pen and paper. Yes, it means writing, but do that because it’s so important. So have a listen after this little intro, and then we’ll get right into it.


Oh, and I forgot, I’ve decided to split this up into two sections. I’m not going to leave you hanging. So it goes over a week to week, because I think it’s important that once you start the process, you dive straight into it and you keep that motivation. But it was a long recording and I wanted you to get the basics. And, then in the second recording, actually sit down and work through the process so there’s no distractions, no tiredness, no laziness. Say laziness. But I mean trying to put putting things off. You can actually concentrate and focus for that shorter period of time. And really home in onto that process or processes, because it’s a process, but processes, they’re all together. So bear with me because this is important. So, first part is setting the foundations, setting the scene, starting off the stories, and then part two will be getting into the process and, well, completing the stories. I hope, that’s okay with you. And I say I won’t keep you hanging. The next episode will be in the next couple of days or so. Okay. Hello. Hello.



The longer podcast from personal development unplugged is about anger


The longer podcast from personal development unplugged is with me, Paul, and I have another question, a, listener’s question. So, one of the five or so listeners who are with you listening here. And it’s all about bloody anger. Anger. I think we all get anger of some degree or another, don’t we? But sometimes anger can be a real swearing, a real nightmare, a, ah, nightmare for the people who have the anger, and a nightmare for the people who have to suffer it along around them. So, anger has so many negative effects. It’s a negative emotion. In my mind, it’s a completely negative emotion and has no benefit. I’ve argued that for quite a few times, because some people think anger actually motivates them, and it can do, and I’ll give you a story about that. But I don’t think it’s the best, emotion if you want motivation. But sometimes if you got it, you just got to maybe use it until you find a better way. You see, I know of people who have really suffered, really suffered with anger and the effects, and it’s ruined their lives or it ruined their life at the time, because I’ve also seen it disappear in, in one case, literally minutes within one session. And that was when the time was right, the process was right. And I guess two people in the right place, because this was a long time ago, a long time ago, one of my early days, early days seeing clients. And this guy came along and said, I’ve got this terrible, terrible anger. It’s so bad that my doctor has told me I need to find some type of psychological help, which is why I’ve come to you. Because everything within my body physically is going downhill, and in time, it will actually kill me. Oh, blimey, Riley. I thought to myself, this is a biggie. And I said, okay, well, we can do. Sure, I’m sure. Let’s just start talking. He said, now, before you do that, I just want to make sure you can, if you’re any good, because I said, let’s have a look. He said, well, I want you to stop me smoking. Help me stop smoking. If you can help me stop smoking, then I’ll trust you with this biggie. And I said, well, maybe the smoking is helping you. Every behavior is a positive intent, just like the anger. But maybe that smoking is helping you deal with the anger. And if we take that away, he said, no, no, I want to see how good you are. So we did it. And he came back, said, yeah, that’s fine, dandy.



Let’s talk about this anger. You see, let’s look at anger as secondary


Let’s talk about this anger. He said, it’s so bad. As I said, my body is closing down on myself. My son, who used to live with me, can’t stand me. So he’s left my daughter, who’s just about to have my first granddaughter. She’s said, I’m not welcome. Not welcome to see her and have her new family when it comes, because of the way I’ve been said, I really need help. And, I’m not going to tell you this. I don’t normally ask, about what’s happening. I was bit inquisitive, but he told me, and, I’m not going to share that with you because it was just, it was a very, very emotional story. But his anger was so much that the voice inside his head was so loud all the time that these were the days of like the, Walkmans with a CD disc you put in and, what have you. He used to have it on turn out of ten in volume. So, you know, here, trying to drown out the noise in his head. That’s how bad it was. And we did one process, it was just the right process just for him. Oh, there’s a funny noise. And then, you see, it was all a matter of learning, learning at the unconscious level, not the conscious level. But we can do some learning at the conscious level because we’re going to do it here today. But you see, it reminded me of somebody else who I really look up to. And there’s a guy called Jeff Thompson. He used to be a bouncer. Not a nice man at that time, and even tell you he was not a nice man. And he said he used to get really, really angry because of the things that he’d suffered in the past that had in some ways not made him, but had created this man with, armor. He had tattoos and things like that. He had armor and he was like a doorman and he was in a really tough area and he excelled at that. But he said when he let that go and started to do other stuff and became very spiritual, he said he was still angry. But he would use that anger, and he would find a vehicle. Well, that was a vehicle, but he would find a destination, something that he could use that anger to a positive, effect. So not being angry and shouting at people, he would actually use that energy, the energy within him that was so volatile to do some wonderful things. And I even saw it, on my son’s, Joseph’s very first NLP training. There was a guy there, we were letting go of anger. It was just a topic on timeline therapy. And he came up to the stage to do the demo. We weren’t quite sure because we never quite sure the background, but he found out that he had been holding on to anger for over 20 years, and it was still inside him, it still affected him. And in that demonstration, which was minutes, not hours, well, I’ll tell you later. You see, let’s look at anger, because for me, I say it’s, a negative emotion. It’s totally inappropriate in my mind. It serves no benefit. I’m sure it has a positive intention, I know, and the unconscious mind uses it. But to me, there’s better emotions, better behaviors to use. You see, I think it’s secondary, and I’ve been taught that it’s secondary because you have fight and flight as your hardwired protection measure. It’s hardwired in your neurology. No one can take it away. Your unconscious mind clicks into fight or flight. I know there’s a freeze in there, but sometimes. But fight and flight is there, and, that really protects you. See, why would you need anger to protect you? In fact, why would you need all the other negative emotions to protect you? Because they don’t work. But it’s what your unconscious mind has found that works. Way back then, when you first experienced something and got angry and, it protected you in some way, maybe kept people away, maybe somehow it looked after you and it thought, well, I can continue do this or continue to keep doing this, but it’s not appropriate, because if you don’t learn, you see, I remember, and this is what really convinced me, that anger as well as fear, they’re both secondary emotions that come after fight and flight. See, I was walking my dog. Another story, true story, walking my dog, taz. Beautiful little dog. Little got, him from one of those home things. And he was about four when I got him, I think, bless him, and he was frightened of everything. And we got him m through that, and we used to go for lovely walks. And he was a little bit of like a sheepy type dog. So I’d walk down the middle of, this green open grassland and he would run round the outside and he loved it. And then we’d meet up in the middle and then we’d walk home and one day we’re doing this, and there was two or three dogs suddenly ran out of the side and started attacking, attacking him. So fight and fly. I suddenly went shouting at them, yeah, get off, get off, get off.




And they did. But what I didn’t see was the group of guys round the corner whose dogs they were. And they were either drunk or drugged or both. And they started coming for me. Now what are you doing? Shout out to my dogs now. Fight and flight. I could have tried to fight, but there was more of them. And to be honest, I didn’t. I thought the best thing to do was to, flight to flight. So they couldn’t walk very fast because they were a little bit jaggedy on their feet with whatever they’d taken. So I walked pretty fast and got taz with me and we moved pretty fast to get away from that. Then I got home and whether it’s like an adrenaline dump or not, I don’t know, but I suddenly got really angry. Angry. Why are those people? How can they be like that? How can they be so aggressive towards me? We were doing nothing. How can they be doing that? And I got so angry with myself. Why didn’t I just suddenly stop and go, ra. And then the fear came in. Yeah, but what happened if they had knives or whatever, could have died, been attacked and killed. I got fearful about it. And then angry and fear. And they came after the fight. Flight. The fight and the flight protected me. Without thinking. It just happened. And then that anger and that fear started to, get inside me until I realized, do you know what? We did the right thing. We did the right thing.



Find a therapist. What do you mean, find a therapist


And maybe next time to be a little bit more observant and maybe go at different times and just keep an eye out. So I learned from that. Never had a problem again. So it was about learning. And then that anger and that fear just disappeared from that thing. But if it hadn’t had done, maybe that would be like a significant emotional event. That’s what we call these things in timeline therapy and NLP, a significant emotional event. And that could have caused me then to have those fear, either a fear or anger in other events in the future. Because my unconscious mind might thought, well, it worked, but it doesn’t. So inappropriate. And they’re totally in direct conflict with what your unconscious mind is trying to do, trying to protect you. But fear doesn’t protect you, as we said, because it’s bloody frightening. Anger doesn’t protect you because you don’t see, you see red. But if you’re aware you’re calm in a way that you can access the true skills that you need, that’s what protects you. Being comfortable, being able to recognize a situation and act appropriately, that’s protection. And you see, I believe all these negative emotions, such as anger, have a starting point. Again, as we said, significant emotional event an see, and it needs learning from. And once you learn, you won’t need the emotion and the behavior anymore because you have learned and that what your unconscious mind was thinking and acting and using as a protection measure is no longer appropriate because it’s learned. It doesn’t need it anymore because you’ve got what you need. And therefore, in the future, anything happened, you’ll use the learnings and they’ll protect you. But the thing is, if you are finding, and, we’re talking about anger and dealing with anger, but this could be, as you know, in brackets, any other bloody emotion, if it’s really causing you extreme difficulty, then go to one to one. What do you mean, one to one? Cloughy. What I mean is find a therapist. Find a therapist. One to one. I know there’s a lot of adverts about, you can do it by text, you can do it by phone. Have you ever tried to read the emotion in, a text? Sometimes even on the phone, you can get the emotion, but you can’t see the face, and you don’t know whether it’s a joke or it’s being serious. So I really believe if you can, one to one, whether it’s on Zoom or whether it’s in with the therapist, face to face, ideally face to face, because I love that, but for other people. But find that brilliant therapist, and it’ll go really quickly, just as I said, goes quite easily. And you see, but what you can do, because even if you are going to look for a therapist or you’re working with a therapist right now, what we’re going to do now will not do any harm. It will, I believe, assist you to move on even quicker.



Paul Cluff: Get ready for part two of the NLP process


Okay, so that’s where I’m going to end this episode or this, portion of the episode. This part one I want you to, if it’s okay, is to just consider in your mind how important it is to you to let go of this negative emotion, to let go of the associated behaviors, to let go of the effects both to yourself, to, the people around you, to maybe your job, friends, family, even little old planet earth is not getting the best out of you, is it? And if that’s really important to you, I know that it is. You can begin to set your intention. Set, your intent. Say that again. Set your intention for. I’m going to do this. I really am. I’m going to get a pad, maybe some. Just some paper, some pencil. Some pencil. some pencil. Get a pencil. Pen, because you’re going to need it in the second part. And it’s not big stuff, but you’re going to need it, because when we start doing the process, we’re going to start making notes that you can refer to. And it’s important that you do, because once you start the process of putting things on paper, you will get inspired to write more. Not volumes, tombs, as they call them, I think, or tomes, but you’ll get intuition, I think. And certainly in the second part of the process, you can build upon it, even, to make things even richer. I’m, not going to tell you what they are or what it means, but you will get inspired. I know. So have just a little muse and decide. This is it. I’ve had enough. This anger in brackets, any other bloody thing, closed brackets, is no longer serving me. And I want to find a better way. I want to find a better way. And I’m prepared to do whatever it takes. And, whatever it takes is literally not that much. So if that’s okay, we’re going to stop here and just collect your thoughts, maybe, and get ready. Get ready for part two, where we’ll go into the process of, letting things go. Hope, this makes sense. I recorded it all in one go, and then I just had this, the intuition of saying, do you know what? I think we got to do it slightly different. So that’s what we’re going to do. Okay? So until next time, my friend, get ready, get inspired. I’ve got this, I get to do this. I’m going to have the will to do whatever it takes to change, change my life and create a rich life. Okay, there you go. I see you very soon. bye bye now. Oh, just before you go, just a re reminder, that if you want, to access any of the free hypnosis and NLP process tracks that I have, there’s about 60, 65 of them I was looking at the other day and covers such a myriad of different things. If you do want access to that, please go to paulcluffonline.com podcast and you’ll get an email giving you your link to those 65 plus tracks. You can just, unload them, download them and keep them forever. So please do that. And if you want, share that with other people as well, because that’d be great to give them access to all these tools. They’ll make a difference. I know they will. They will make a difference. So if that’s of interest to you, just go to. As I said, I’ll repeat it now. Re reminder, paulcluffonline.com podcast. You’ll also get a newsletter from that. And it sometimes is so regular, it might even be monthly, not normally. And they’re very short. Just giving you an update of what to expect or what you may have missed. And sometimes they’re just video. Who knows? So if any of that’s of interest, have it with my compliments. Okay? So get ready for part two. It’s going to be coming very, very shortly, and it’s going to make a difference, I’m sure.



Paul Clough leaves personal development unplugged to fly solo


Bye bye now. Let’s fly.


You are now leaving the unplugged mind of Paul Clough. It’s time to fly on your own. Be brave, my friend.


Personal development unplugged.