Why Trying To Be Confident, Happy or Calm Doesn’t Work

Why can’t we just add more confidence, happiness or calmness to our lives?

You know the sort of thing. “I just need more confidence.” “I want to feel calmer.” “I need more happiness, peace or connection.”

So we try to add more. We dig out old memories, listen to motivational recordings, try to bring back those good feelings and hope they’ll stick.

But what happens when they don’t?

I’ve been thinking about why simply adding more of what we want doesn’t always create lasting personal change. And I reckon there’s something important we’re missing.

In this Five Minute Quickie, I explore why trying to become more confident, happy or calm might be tackling the wrong problem — and why understanding how change actually happens could make all the difference.

Because perhaps you don’t need to add something. Perhaps you need to look at things differently.

That’s where we’re heading in the next deeper dive. And I’d love you to think about one thing before we get there:

What would you like more of in your life?

Come and explore it with me. It’s time to fly!

Please share the experience and the episode https://personaldevelopmentunplugged.com/fmq-545-why-trying-to-be-confident-happy-or-calm-doesnt-work

and even watch me record this https://youtu.be/MeDsYNiorQ0

Shine Brightly 🌟

Paul

Hey there! I’d love to hear from you—questions, feedback, requests—all welcome. Drop me a line or leave a comment. If you’ve enjoyed this episode or any other, please share and subscribe! You can reach me at feedback@personaldevelopmentunplugged.com.

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And the transcript WARNING if you’re a lover of the written word this may make you frustrated, or angry – you have been warned – is it an ‘ism

FMQ 545 Why Trying To Be Confident, Happy or Calm Doesn’t Work

Hey, my friends, welcome to the Personal Development Unplugged podcast, and a five minute quickie, the seed of which will grow into a longer, deeper dive. And I got something I think is quite interesting, because what is very, very, very interesting. You see, a little while ago, I used to think I needed more structure in my life.

And if I had more structure in my life, I’d find more things to do, and I’d put them into my diary, and it would be structured all the way through. And when I’ve got all that done, and all that full little things and projects and all that stuff, I’d be totally satisfied with my life again. What happened? That didn’t work at all.

I wasn’t satisfied. In fact, I was more dissatisfied, I was unhappy. And I’ve talked about it before, you know, feeling a little bit lost, standing in quicksand and treading water.

And I think what I’ve been thinking about is, we all feel we need to add something, add something more to our lives, to be who we want to be. I mean, clients will come to me and go, you know, Paul, I just need more confidence. See, if I have more confidence in my life, and I have more confidence in life, I’ll be able to succeed.

Really? That’s where we’re going. Because that’s what we think, isn’t it? You know, you might say, well, I want to be more calmer. That’s what, you know, that’s what I want.

I want to be more calm, more calmer. Maybe I want peace. I want more peace in my life.

In fact, I haven’t got any, so I want more of something I haven’t already got. So many people would say to me, I just want freedom. You know, just give me freedom.

And there’ll be others who may be a little bit lonely, or a big bit lonely, or feeling down. They might just say, I want more happiness in my life. Or more connection.

I want to feel connection. So I need more connection. I need to be more connected with people.

And as if we think, if we add, if we add, and I don’t know, just keep adding stuff, adding more and more, it’ll make things better. It’ll make me feel whole. Have you tried that? This doesn’t happen, does it? Oh, I’ll just add in a bucket full of confidence.

I’ll add in a bucket full of calmness. I’ll add in a dollop of freedom, a dollop of freedom. I’ll have just a big chunk of happiness added to my life.

Make everything so good. I’ll get that connection. It’ll make everything better.

But it doesn’t happen that way. There’s so many bloody therapists will work and just try to add stuff to it. You know, oh, you need more confidence.

Let’s find times in the past when you’ve been more confident and we’ll just add it back into your life. And it might work for a bit. You know, you get these things and you listen to a motivation tape.

Yeah, I’ve got it. I’ve got it. I’ve got it.

I’m really motivated now. I’ve got more confidence. I’ve got more motivation.

And then it dwindles off, doesn’t it? It stops. And there’s a bloody good reason for that. A real good reason why.

To me, it’s a failure. It’s certainly a failure on the part of a therapist not being able to deal with that in a different way, in a better way. And it’s as if, this is what I think anyway, it’s as if there’s a resistance coming from inside.

It may not be a resistance that you really, really feel. But it must be there a little bit because it doesn’t happen just like that. Because if it did, if we just add something and we could change like that, we’d all be doing it, wouldn’t we? We’d just go, oh, well, in fact, there’d be no emotional problems at all, would there? Because we’d just change like that.

And I know you can change just like that. I’ve seen it. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.

I’ve been in the room. I’ve even taken the credit for it. Because if I’m in that room, I’m taking the credit for being part of it.

Not the whole of it. The client does the work, but I’m part of it. But there’s a reason why the change happens just like that.

It’s knowing how. And it’s knowing like the strategy of that change. And that’s where we’re going on the next deeper dive.

I’m going to look into this thing about how we can change, how we can look at life differently, look at ourselves differently. And when we look differently, or when we look at things differently, the things we look at will appear different. We get another perspective on it.

And then you go, oh, now I understand. Now I know what to do to make the change. And that makes change possible.

Just like that. So if you’re up for that, want to come with me, maybe even a hypnosis track in that one. And we’ll dive deeply into all the things that you want more of, how to look at it differently, and then how to get them, or how to get that extra bit that you feel you want.

Because you don’t have to get it. You don’t have to add it. That’s the thing.

So come with me on that longer, deeper dive, if you would remember to press that subscribe button, the follow button and whatever you have on that device that you listen to. So you will get the next episode. I was going to go like that, but I’m not.

But I did. So you get the next episode and every other episode. And if you look back at the back catalog, you’ll find there’s so much other so many other resources there as well.

But do press subscribe and follow. And if you think this might be interesting for somebody else, because if they’re like you, they will have the same interest, they will probably have the same issues or type of issues. And this will help.

And so will all the other episodes, but this will help. So if you could do that, pass it forward, pay it forward, share it, it’d be great. And if in your mind, because I’d love you to think about this over the next few days of what you feel you’d like more of.

So when we come to the longer episode, you’re already invested in it. You’ve already primed your unconscious mind to say, this is important to me. I want to learn from this.

And that’s when I think we’ll get your unconscious mind on board. The resistance will begin to just fade away as it does. So have a think about it over the next few days, the type of things you would like to have more of.

Maybe it’s the confidence, the peace, the freedom, the happiness, the connection, or whatever it is. Just have a think. If something really specific, let me know, email me feedback at personaldevelopmentunplugged.com. I’m the only bugger here as I say, and we’ll make sure that we keep that in and put it into the episode two.

So with that in mind, take a deep breath, have a think, and I will see you absolutely in the next longer, deeper time. Bye bye now, time to fly. Have more fun than you can stand.

Bye bye. So in this five minute quickie, it’s all about, well I want more confidence, I want more peace, I want more calmness in my life. I want connection, I want happiness.

And it’s all about why doesn’t it happen if we just, why can’t we just add this to our lives? That’s what people try to do, and it just doesn’t work. And I think I know why, and the how. So come with me on this five minute quickie, and then the deeper dive that follows.

Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited